I sit quietly on the edge of the hospital bed, next to my ready packed bag as i wait for Gary to come and fetch me. I want to go home, so badly, but Gary wants us to stay with his mum for a little while, so she can help out with Ethan and i can rest. Wincing painfully as i cough, i clutch my black and blue ribs as pain radiates deep into the pit of my stomach. Shit. Ive never been so bad.
"If i didnt know any better, id say you wanted to go home."
I look up quickly as i hear Garys voice push through the heavy, plastic wood door.
"Hey Sherlock." I breathe a smile, because i cant laugh.
"How you feeling?" Gary plants a brisk kiss against my lips, before reaching over and picking up my hospital bag.
"Much of the same." I shrugh. "Everything aches, everything hurts, i want to go home, i want to sleep in my own bed, and eat some normal food an-"
"Hey, hey, hey yea." Gary chuckles slowly, pressing his lips against my temple. "I get the idea. Are you coming or what then?" He stands infront of me with that lopsided smirk plastering his face, the smirk that makes it impossible for me not to grin madly at.
"Help me up?" I pout, stretching out my arms, just like Ethan.
With a smile, Gary loops his arm around my back, hauling me to my feet.
"You okay?" His eyes alight with something ive not seen for a while. "You dont need a wheelchair or anything do you?"
"Oh shut up!" I hiss, swinging my arm backwards until it makes contact with his firm chest under his salmon pink polo shirt. "Youre the worst."
***
"Oh God." I wail because its all i can manage as tears cascade down my cheeks, "God No!" Despite the pain, i roll onto my side and curl into a ball, my body shaking hysterically as the wrack my core. "Im sorry!" I wail into the pillow and i dont know if anybody can hear me. "Im so sorry."
"There was nothing they could do Libby..."
"There was nothing they could do..."
"There was nothing they could do.."
"Nothing."
"Fuck!" I wake with a sudden start. Where am i?! The car. Okay. Okay im fine.
"Hey?" Gary places a hand on my knee as he unfastens my seat belt. "We're back. Are you okay?"
"Ye." I swallow quickly. "Yea im fine."
"I dont beleive you." He furrows his brow slightly and i want to kick myself because this man knows me too well. Better than i know myself.
"Im fine." I grunt once more as i swing open the car door.
Gary grins squeezing my knee as he turns off the ignition.
"Yea, cause!" I laugh in response, swinging the car door open and sliding out. "I mean you're just totally irresistible Ga-"
"SHIT, LIBBY!"
"Libby?...Lib?..Earth to Elizebeth, can you hear me?"
The sound of Garys voice snaps me quickly from my daydream.
"Lib are you sure youre okay?" He carries on.
"Yes." I swallow once more, taking my hand from the roof of the car and shutting the door carefully and making my way up to Marjorie's front door, knocking once. I just need to get inside.
"Shes out," Gary explains as he comes up beside me, carrying my hospital bag. "She took Ethan, theyve gone to the park."
"That nice." I smile silently as Gary pushes open the door, allowing me to slip inside.
Immediately, i find myself curled up on the settee in the front room, my head resting in my arm as i bring my knees as close to my chest as i can without it hurting. Im so tired. I need to sleep. But i cant. I cant sleep because if i sleep the pain comes back...
I hear Garys shrill cry, but before i know what is happening, its too late to stop it. My stomach sings from the impact of something hitting me. But everything is going numb. My legs. I cant feel my legs, or my arms. And now i cant see. But i can hear Gary. No. Hes fading away. No. No. bring him back. Hold onto him Libby. Hold onto him.
Gradually, the sound of Garys voice is replaced by the sound of my heart. My bloody pumping in my ears and i want to cry. I want to cry out because i feel as though theres a gaping hole where my stomach should be. My baby. My baby!
Ethan. What about him? Who will look after Ethan? Or Gary? He needs me. Gary needs me.
Hold onto him Libby, hold onto him.
When i open my eyes again, everything is black. What?! My heart rate slows steadily as i gather my bearings, pulling my head away from my arms and looking up towards the blinding light, pouring through the great bay window in the front room.
"Talk to me Libby."
I turn my head left slightly to see Gary perched on a glass topped coffee table, concern dominating his beautiful face. "You havent been the same since you got into the car. Talk to me."
"Its fine."
"Oh God damn it Libby. Dont bullshit! Do you think im stupid?!"
"No." I answer quickly, taken slightly aback by his sudden out burst.
"Then tell me whats fucking wrong because im your husband Libby. I swear to God if this is because i didnt tell the doctor you wanted to come out sooner then il-"
"No its not about that!" I twist my mouth into some form of grimace as the tears build behind my eyes. "Are you stupid?! Gary i just lost my baby..."
"So did i."
"But it wasnt your fault!" I wail suddenly, surprising even myself. "It wasnt your fault, It was mine!"
"Libby..." Garys voice is full of unhatched warning.
"It was my fault Gary! Its my fault that we're here now and its my fault that my baby isnt. So when your asking me whats wrong consider that! But you could have stopped it! If i hadnt had surgery then i could still have my b-"
"You would have died!" Gary bellows suddenly, making me jump in my skin, his voice ringing deep into every bone in my body. "I thought id lost you! Do you have any idea how that feels?! I thought you were dead Libby! Dead. The doctors didnt even give me a fucking decision to make because it would have taken to long! But i tell you what.." Gary paces the settee infront of me, taking large strides, anger radiating out from every inch of him. "..I tell you, if they given me the decision, i would have picked that one. Every single fucking time okay?! Every single time."
I swallow uneasily, not bothering to stop the tears pouring down my cheeks. "How can you say that Gary?" I choke. "We just lost our baby because of that..."
"And guess what.." Gary stops suddenly in front of me and lowers to my level, his face inches from mine. "The alternative was loosing you. And call me selfish. But i wasnt ready to do that."
I dont even have time for the words to sink in before Gary has stood briskly and stormed out of the room.
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