I sit anxiously in the doctors waiting room, bouncing an aggravated Ethan slightly on my lap to stop the crying. Gary said he was coming back, but I don't know how serious he was. Did he actually mean he was going to get on a plane and fly all the way back home?
I stand quickly when they call my name and make my way through to Dr Whiteheads room, knocking twice before I enter.
"Libby!" She greets me warmly. "How are you?"
"I'm fine." I nod with a half focused smile? "it's, er, it's Ethan." I take a seat in the padded black chair opposite her desk. "I think he has a fever, his temperature is high."
"Right." The GP smiles, her auburn hair scraped back into a high pony as she fidgets with a stethoscope around her neck before standing from the desk. "Lets have a look then shall we? Can I?.." She holds her arms out and I willingly hold her a slightly dazed Ethan.
"Lets see what we can do for you then shall we little man?" Dr Whitehead speaks softly and calmly and I realise she must deal with this a lot, I however, turn in my seat to face the black fold out bed where my son has been placed and chew on my little finger worriedly.
"Sinuses seem fine.." The redhead mutters idly as she checks over Ethan's ears and throat. I'm surprised at how still he's being, but I think he's perplexed by the blinding light she shines in his eyes.
"Good boy!" She grins encouragingly as she runs the stethoscope over his cheat and down onto his stomach. Dr Whitehead nods silently to herself and a small amount of worry grips my insides.
"I'm just going to take his temperature now." She turns and smiles reassuringly at me before ruffling Ethan's blonde hair, the way I do, as he begins to squirm uncomfortably on the bed.
"Mumma?" The toddlers voice is full of panic as the GP places the thermometer under his arm.
"I'm right here." I soothe quietly, smiling at him from the padded black chair. "Just stay still for a moment Baby."
Ethan seems to comply and sits restlessly for a minute or two as the thermometer takes its reading.
"Hmm." Dr Whitehead studies it carefully, furrowing her brow as my heart tightens in my chest. What's wrong?! "It is a little high isn't it?.." She mutters almost to herself as she lifts Ethan and hands him back to me. Instantly the toddler wraps his tiny arms around my neck, nuzzling his face into my chest.
"Mumma." He whimpers quietly. "Mumma."
"Hey." I soothe, running my hand rhythmically down his back, but keeping my eyes firmly fixed on Dr Whitehead.
"Right." The redhead smiles, typing away at her computer. "I want to send you for a routine appointment at the hospital."
Both my heart and my hold on my son instantly tighten.
"Why?" I breathe and I can't keep the worry from my voice.
"Oh it's nothing to worry about. Just to be sure, it's very hard to get a clear diagnosis with young children and therefore very difficult for me to treat myself and he's obviously in a lot of discomfort. A doctor specialising in young illness will be much more help to you." She beams again, full of confidence as she sets the printer to work. "Would you like an appointment this afternoon?"
"Yes please." I nod quickly, bouncing Ethan again a little as he begins to jostle on my lap.
I step outside the doctors surgery and take a deep breathe of the warm spring air. Right, so I need to be at the hospital for two. I can do that can't I. I should probably call Gary and tell him what's going on. Pushing the pushchair to the car, I fish my phone out of my pocket and hold it to my ear between my ear and shoulder. Gary's phone is turned off. Great. It's never turned off and the one time I need to speak to him it is. I settle for leaving a rushed and stressed sounding message as I wrestle Ethan from the pushchair into the baby seat before hanging up and climbing into the front.
***
"Hey, hey. Its okay. Libby its okay." Garys lips are pressed against my ear as he whispers against me, running his fingers soothingly up and down my spine. I dont answer, instead i bury my head into my heads, which are wet from my tears.
"Libby please stop crying." Gary chokes and i can tell hes trying his best to hold it together. Somethings ive not managed to do.
A tall redheaded nurse stands in front of us and coughs discreetly, causing us to look up.
"What?" Gary half snaps and half pleads. "Any news?"
"The surgery is under way, Mr Barlow." The young woman breathes. "Thats all we can tell you at this stage."
I feel the overwhelming urge to wail again, and so press my face against Garys chest, wetting his t-shirts and he drops his face against the top of my head, wrapping his arms around me and rocking me ever so slightly. I pull away slightly and notice his knuckles are white as he clutches the pale lue rabbit tightly in his right hand.
"Its okay, Libby its okay." Gary repeats as my tears continue to dampen his royal blue t-shirt. "Its going to be ok."
I want to speak, i need to speak, but i cant. My mouth wont open, and when it does, no sound comes out. Theres a pain in my heart and its so fierce that its making me want to double over and never stand again. My eyes sting from the salty tears, but i cant stop them falling. Why wont anyone tell us anything? Whats going on?
Asif reading my mind, Gary stands abruptly and strides over to the redheaded nurse, panic etched over his face. I cant hear what hes saying, i cant hear anything. Its like im in my own little bubble, my own little nightmare as i watch Garys arms fly into the air in a fit of rage and he begins to shout at the startled nurse to quickly scuttles away. When Gary turns to face me again, he drags a long fingered hand across his face before collapsing down beside me and dropping 'Lizebeth the pale blue bunny into my lap. I grasp it quickly and hold it against my cheek. It smells of Ethan. And suddenly the lump in my throat becomes almost unbearable.
"Mr Barlow? Mrs Barlow?" My eyes open again as i tall Asian doctor with thick black hair stands before us.
"Yes?" Gary answers before hes finished the question. "Is he ok? Can we see him now?"
"Im so sorry Mr Barlow.." Thick haired doctor mutters. "Theres been some...complications...during surgery."
"Complications?" Panic rises in Garys voice. "What do you mean?"
"Im so sorry sir, they did everything they could to save him."
"What do you mean?!"
"We lost him sir."
***
I wake with a terrified jolt, a cold swear pouring down my back as i lift my head from my arms which are resting on the hospital bed. I scramble frantically at the covers until i find Ethan, sleeping soundly underneath them and reality hits me. It was a nightmare, just a nightmare. Ethans still here, there was no surgery, they just wanted to keep him in to monitor his temperature. I breathe a long, steady sigh of relief and sit back into the uncomfortable bedside chair. I glance at the clock on the table.
1:35 am.
Shit its been a long day.
"You should go home."
My head whips round as i head a voice behind me.
"Ill watch him for a bit."
"When did you get here?" I breathe in disbelief as i stare wide eyed at Gary who is sat in another arm chair beside me.
"About an hour ago?" He shrugs and holds out his arms. I clamber willingly onto his lap as half of me wants to check that hes actually here and im not dreaming it. "Have a nightmare?" He nuzzles my ear through my hair.
"Mm-h." I mutter, pressing my face into Garys neck as he closes his arms tightly around me.
"Well its okay." He whispers as he runs his one hand, soothingly up and down my spine. "Im here now, and its okay, Libby is okay."
I stand quickly when they call my name and make my way through to Dr Whiteheads room, knocking twice before I enter.
"Libby!" She greets me warmly. "How are you?"
"I'm fine." I nod with a half focused smile? "it's, er, it's Ethan." I take a seat in the padded black chair opposite her desk. "I think he has a fever, his temperature is high."
"Right." The GP smiles, her auburn hair scraped back into a high pony as she fidgets with a stethoscope around her neck before standing from the desk. "Lets have a look then shall we? Can I?.." She holds her arms out and I willingly hold her a slightly dazed Ethan.
"Lets see what we can do for you then shall we little man?" Dr Whitehead speaks softly and calmly and I realise she must deal with this a lot, I however, turn in my seat to face the black fold out bed where my son has been placed and chew on my little finger worriedly.
"Sinuses seem fine.." The redhead mutters idly as she checks over Ethan's ears and throat. I'm surprised at how still he's being, but I think he's perplexed by the blinding light she shines in his eyes.
"Good boy!" She grins encouragingly as she runs the stethoscope over his cheat and down onto his stomach. Dr Whitehead nods silently to herself and a small amount of worry grips my insides.
"I'm just going to take his temperature now." She turns and smiles reassuringly at me before ruffling Ethan's blonde hair, the way I do, as he begins to squirm uncomfortably on the bed.
"Mumma?" The toddlers voice is full of panic as the GP places the thermometer under his arm.
"I'm right here." I soothe quietly, smiling at him from the padded black chair. "Just stay still for a moment Baby."
Ethan seems to comply and sits restlessly for a minute or two as the thermometer takes its reading.
"Hmm." Dr Whitehead studies it carefully, furrowing her brow as my heart tightens in my chest. What's wrong?! "It is a little high isn't it?.." She mutters almost to herself as she lifts Ethan and hands him back to me. Instantly the toddler wraps his tiny arms around my neck, nuzzling his face into my chest.
"Mumma." He whimpers quietly. "Mumma."
"Hey." I soothe, running my hand rhythmically down his back, but keeping my eyes firmly fixed on Dr Whitehead.
"Right." The redhead smiles, typing away at her computer. "I want to send you for a routine appointment at the hospital."
Both my heart and my hold on my son instantly tighten.
"Why?" I breathe and I can't keep the worry from my voice.
"Oh it's nothing to worry about. Just to be sure, it's very hard to get a clear diagnosis with young children and therefore very difficult for me to treat myself and he's obviously in a lot of discomfort. A doctor specialising in young illness will be much more help to you." She beams again, full of confidence as she sets the printer to work. "Would you like an appointment this afternoon?"
"Yes please." I nod quickly, bouncing Ethan again a little as he begins to jostle on my lap.
I step outside the doctors surgery and take a deep breathe of the warm spring air. Right, so I need to be at the hospital for two. I can do that can't I. I should probably call Gary and tell him what's going on. Pushing the pushchair to the car, I fish my phone out of my pocket and hold it to my ear between my ear and shoulder. Gary's phone is turned off. Great. It's never turned off and the one time I need to speak to him it is. I settle for leaving a rushed and stressed sounding message as I wrestle Ethan from the pushchair into the baby seat before hanging up and climbing into the front.
***
"Hey, hey. Its okay. Libby its okay." Garys lips are pressed against my ear as he whispers against me, running his fingers soothingly up and down my spine. I dont answer, instead i bury my head into my heads, which are wet from my tears.
"Libby please stop crying." Gary chokes and i can tell hes trying his best to hold it together. Somethings ive not managed to do.
A tall redheaded nurse stands in front of us and coughs discreetly, causing us to look up.
"What?" Gary half snaps and half pleads. "Any news?"
"The surgery is under way, Mr Barlow." The young woman breathes. "Thats all we can tell you at this stage."
I feel the overwhelming urge to wail again, and so press my face against Garys chest, wetting his t-shirts and he drops his face against the top of my head, wrapping his arms around me and rocking me ever so slightly. I pull away slightly and notice his knuckles are white as he clutches the pale lue rabbit tightly in his right hand.
"Its okay, Libby its okay." Gary repeats as my tears continue to dampen his royal blue t-shirt. "Its going to be ok."
I want to speak, i need to speak, but i cant. My mouth wont open, and when it does, no sound comes out. Theres a pain in my heart and its so fierce that its making me want to double over and never stand again. My eyes sting from the salty tears, but i cant stop them falling. Why wont anyone tell us anything? Whats going on?
Asif reading my mind, Gary stands abruptly and strides over to the redheaded nurse, panic etched over his face. I cant hear what hes saying, i cant hear anything. Its like im in my own little bubble, my own little nightmare as i watch Garys arms fly into the air in a fit of rage and he begins to shout at the startled nurse to quickly scuttles away. When Gary turns to face me again, he drags a long fingered hand across his face before collapsing down beside me and dropping 'Lizebeth the pale blue bunny into my lap. I grasp it quickly and hold it against my cheek. It smells of Ethan. And suddenly the lump in my throat becomes almost unbearable.
"Mr Barlow? Mrs Barlow?" My eyes open again as i tall Asian doctor with thick black hair stands before us.
"Yes?" Gary answers before hes finished the question. "Is he ok? Can we see him now?"
"Im so sorry Mr Barlow.." Thick haired doctor mutters. "Theres been some...complications...during surgery."
"Complications?" Panic rises in Garys voice. "What do you mean?"
"Im so sorry sir, they did everything they could to save him."
"What do you mean?!"
"We lost him sir."
***
I wake with a terrified jolt, a cold swear pouring down my back as i lift my head from my arms which are resting on the hospital bed. I scramble frantically at the covers until i find Ethan, sleeping soundly underneath them and reality hits me. It was a nightmare, just a nightmare. Ethans still here, there was no surgery, they just wanted to keep him in to monitor his temperature. I breathe a long, steady sigh of relief and sit back into the uncomfortable bedside chair. I glance at the clock on the table.
1:35 am.
Shit its been a long day.
"You should go home."
My head whips round as i head a voice behind me.
"Ill watch him for a bit."
"When did you get here?" I breathe in disbelief as i stare wide eyed at Gary who is sat in another arm chair beside me.
"About an hour ago?" He shrugs and holds out his arms. I clamber willingly onto his lap as half of me wants to check that hes actually here and im not dreaming it. "Have a nightmare?" He nuzzles my ear through my hair.
"Mm-h." I mutter, pressing my face into Garys neck as he closes his arms tightly around me.
"Well its okay." He whispers as he runs his one hand, soothingly up and down my spine. "Im here now, and its okay, Libby is okay."
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